What your star signs really say about you!

Read your astrological signs according to Johnny Cool, here you will find the truth! (extracted from Johnny Cools Book to be published some time in the future!)

Please note I have taken an impartial view on all star signs, for the record I'm an Aquarian.

Capricorn- Money suckers'©. Capricorns are Money Suckers. Money, money, money and more money that's all they are interested in. If you have money they will be your best friend. They strive for success and will do anything to ensure they have money even if it's fleecing their friends and relatives. They'll swindle you of your car your house, your slippers. A Capricorn Women is known for being heavy on top, but so are the men who tend to suffer from 'Man Boob' syndrome. Capricorns suffer from bad hair days, this is because they cut their own hair – to save money again. Their bedroom antics resemble that of a seal, they are particularly excellent at balancing balls on their noses! They are quick to blame others. Careers:Lap dancers, footballers wives, Sumo wrestlers, pie tasters.

Johnny Cool ratings: Under the duvets 4/10, Generosity -4/10 Personality 3/10. Beauty 6/10, loyalty 7/10

Aquarius -'Unconventional Nutters'© The Aquarian man has amazing beauty and is lusted by all of man kind. They have many strings to their bow and are renowned for knowing something about everything. They see the world in an unconventional way, this is what draws the mass following of people especially women towards them. They are pioneers, innovators and explorers. The Aquarian man is perfect. However the Aquarian woman is not quite the same, she is dreamy, unrealistic, tends to have hairy arm pits and suffers from bad breath. Her bum is very shapely but her teeth are more yellow than buttered bread! Careers tend to be Journalists, Models, Actors, Presidents, Psycho, mental asylum patient. Bread taster

Too much tongue in kissing.

Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvets 5/10, Generosity 8/10, Personality 10/10, Beauty scale Men 10/10, women 4/10, loyalty 4/10.

Pisces – 'Emotional Leeches'©.

We all need love but these crave for it more than others, if you don't give them the attention expect your rabbit to turn up in that pot! They are the clingers of the Zodiac, beware of saying 'Hello' to one, as the Piscean will interpret it as a sign of 'will you be my best friend?' Pisceans are intelligent and are very creative with their lies, living in Mayfair normally equates to Moss side, driving a convertible is a banger with all the windows smashed and their interpretation for cleverness is them knowing their two times table! They lack hygiene and suffer from smelly feet, skid marks are often found in their underwear. Bad taste in fashion and inability to decorate their houses is often labelled as artistic! However they are fantastic kissers. Careers Artists, Singers, toilet cleaners, wind turbine operators.

Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvets 9/10, generosity 6/10, personality 6/10, Beauty 7/10, loyalty 7/10

Aries -'Trust me I'm a pimp.'©

These are assertive, energetic and enthusiastic and they will do anything to ensure they get their own way. These are the pimps of the Zodiac. They will at first shower you with KFC, flowers and Mars bars. But after the honeymoon period you will owe them big time. Your business becomes their business, whether you've changed your light bulb or trimmed your bush, they need to know! It is advisable to wear waterproofs when speaking to an Arian as they have a tendency to spit when they talk. They have one eyebrow and attract cats as they smell of fish. Careers: Pimp, Madam, Psychologist, Palmist.

Johnny Cool rating:Under the duvet 2/10, generosity 9/10, Personality 8/10, Beauty 5/10 loyalty 1/10.

Taurus- 'Possessive Robots'©

The hoarders of the Zodiac, they don't let go. Their life revolves around systems and structures. Spontaneity doesn't exist in their vocabulary. Taureans do like materialism – so buy them lots of presents, preferably the same one again and again! Taureans are boring, and a good night out is going to their local shop and talking about the different types of tomatoes for sale! Whether you like it or not they tend to be the best looking robots in the zodiac sign, if you ditch them they'll be around knocking on your door, everyday so get yourself a weapon just in case! Careers: Librarian, robot, machine operator, Barbie doll.

Johnny Cool rating -Under the Duvet -5/10, Generosity 6/10, Personality 5/10, Beauty 10/10, Loyalty 8/10

Gemini -'Liar Liar',©

Love you today hate you tomorrow, everything is in twos. Whether its careers, hobbies and even relationships! There are two worlds, the normal, known as the pretentious world, then the real world – the dark side! They are always on the go as they get bored easily, but this gives them a good excuse for multiple partners. They are the liars and watch out for the fraud, don't even let them know you've got a bank account! They like to take, take and take, and give you nothing back. They wear the same clothes for weeks and their underwear for years. Don't lend them anything as you will never get it back, unless you pay them. A fair world to a Gemini is they win and you lose. They suffer with bed wetting from early age into late forties. Favourite pastime is anal irrigation. Careers: Accountants, Lawyers, Judges, Criminals, tax Dodger.

Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvet 6/10, generosity 2/10, Personality 5/10, Beauty 6/10 loyalty 2/10

Cancer-'Sensitive hypocrites'©

Yes they believe in a fair world, one rule for them and one rule for everybody else. They are the most sensitive of the zodiac signs, but it's with double standards. Yes everybody has a right to give constructive criticism, and Cancerians are very good at dishing it out, yes they will let everybody know how ugly, unsuccessful, scum of the earth someone is, but if you criticize them -they will soon let you know how insensitive you are! Cancerians are cheerful and chatty but without warning they will do a rendition of the wicked witch of the east from the wizard of Oz, except they would actually kill Dorothy! Cancerians hobbies include train and aeroplane spotting but they are renowned for collecting. They will talk about the 1500 different Chewing gum wrappers they have collected, or the different types of rubber bands they have stored in their bedroom. Though they may not be good under the duvet they are always very caring and will always reassure you it wasn't them who performed badly but you!

Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvet 3/10, generosity 6/10, Personality 4/10, Beauty 8/10 loyalty 6/10

Leo -'The Generous PUSSYcat'©

The Leos try to portray they are the daddy of the human jungle. But the truth is they are Pussycats, if they're not licking you they are licking themselves, always playing with balls and in and out of a lot of flaps! Leos are very generous and are always handing out presents. This is because they are the ugliest in the Zodiac sign. They buy their friendship and love. They think they know best -the truth is they know very little. Be careful of entering their den, as once in you won't escape. Leos are known for having bad taste – if they select you -it's because you're ugly too! They suffer from an itchy bum and may often leave a pungent smell on your bed sheets or sofa. They are creative and will try to convince you a single baked bean on a plate is nouveau cuisine. Career: Clown, Telesales, radio presenter, monster, dustman.

Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvet 6/10, generosity 10/10, Personality 8/10, Beauty 1/10 loyalty 6/10

The whiners of the Zodiac sign, all they do is moan moan and even more moaning. You wouldn't mind if it was under the duvet, but they'd rather do the ironing and read a book titled 'The A to Z of salt' rather than engage in that activity. Virgoans are perfectionists but counting out the number of peas that should be shared out as part of a Sunday curry is going a bit too far. They are very critical and are boring at dinner parties and due to their insecurities they like to drink lots and lots of alcohol. This helps them to relax and talk about how perfect they are and how everyone else is boring! They are very loyal and considerate and keep themselves at a distance from others as they suffer from bad breath. Career: Director, manager, Shepherd, Nun/Monk, wine taster.

Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvet 1/10, generosity 9/10, Personality 2/10, Beauty 7/10 loyalty 9/10

'Pigs can fly' these are the most gullible in the Zodiac sign. It does not take a lot to impress a Libran. They crave friendship, but want appreciation in return. Make sure you phone them everyday for being your friend otherwise they will start resenting you. They are good communicators of gossip and will challenge you if anything untoward is said about them. They can be aggressive and have been known to suffer with shopping trolley rage in supermarkets! They have a tendency of selfishness and will hog the TV all night watching the shopping channel. They have very small bums but big tummies. Librans have hairy backs and will eat anything especially out of a trough. Careers: Samaritan, Advisor, Teacher, Storyteller, trolley assistant, pig farmer. Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvet 6/10, generosity 6/10, Personality 8/10, Beauty 6/10 loyalty 6/10

These are jealous and passionate. When visiting one, make sure you have excuses prepared. They insist you eat, being full-up is not a good enough excuse as this will result in you being force fed! If caught on the phone the interpretation is you're having an affair, even if the person spoken to is 96 and in a wheel chair! Scorpios have a high sex drive and spend much time alone in bed this often sees them compared to a gaming machine called the one armed bandit! They are the hairiest of the Zodiac sign and are often mistaken as the Bonobo chimpanzee, though it has been argued that the Bonobo is more human and humane than the scorpion. The opposite sex is drawn to the Scorpion because of their antics of nitpicking, banana eating and group sessions! They are good at business as they are really tight with their money. Career: Hairy monster, organ player, banana taster,

Johnny Cool rating: Under the duvet 9/10, generosity 2/10, Personality 6/10, Beauty 3/10 loyalty 2/10

They are very intelligent and always work out how to solve problems, but the practical never lives up to the theory. The Sagittarian is full of optimism this is because they are losers, and the only way for them is up! Working at the Samaritans is not a good place for a Sagittarian as they will unknowingly push the helpless over the edge. They have multiple partners as they get bored easily. They like to have old people as friends as they can help them complete the 'will forms.' Sagittarians like to use their mouth so are talkers and like to gossip. A secret is for them and the whole world. Make sure you have everything insured as they are very likely to accidentally 'blow up the house!' Due to their excess sweating they are known as 'Sweaty Bettys'. Careers:Journalist, actors, sauna assistant, Carer especially for people over 80.

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